Secondary Losses

In 2010 I went to the Croghan Conference in Durham NC. This is a very well known conference that hosts numerous types of speakers. The topics are usually diagnoses or situations that affect young children, so with my job being a Developmental Therapist I was given clearance to attend. I took classes on new discoveries about ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), Assistive Technology (wheelchairs, communication devices, etc), and a Grief Seminar. Now when I signed up for classes, I knew immediately how pertinent the information about Autism and Assistive Technology would be for my career as I worked with children every day that fit these types of special needs. As far as knowing families that had lost a child or a child that had lost a sibling on my caseload, now this was much rarer. But the grief seminar seemed very interesting, and in retrospect I guess I signed up for it more for selfish reasons than to help any child I knew.

You see, in the months leading up to the conference I lost two people I loved. One had died of old age, which people say makes it easier to cope with. This was not necessarily my experience, as this was my first time dealing with death on a personal level, so there was not much comfort to be found besides the fact she was with Jesus at that point. The true salt in the wound was not even three months after this person died, a child on my caseload followed. She was very sick and once again, people said, “it was better this way, she was suffering”, but I find it very difficult to find any comfort or logic in a baby dying. Considering my emotional life was already a little rocky with grief, this just sent me over the edge. I was unable to deal with not only the grief of two people I loved, but then the shock of a baby dying on top of that. No matter how much faith you have, it’s hard to make sense of such a short life even though this sweet little girl touched so many lives in her short time with us.

Leading up to the Croghan Conference I found myself battling with the correct way to cope with my grief and the intense emotions I felt daily. What is the “right” way to grieve? Is it OK to be angry at the way things panned out? No one understands how I feel, and they never will, so why would I talk about it? When I DO talk about how I feel, do I sound crazy? Why do the smallest things set me off in a wave of uncontrollable tears? Well thanks to the amazing speaker in the Grief conference I found my answers.

The speaker, a kind upbeat and brutally honest woman, spoke about the difficulties of coping with a death in the family. She spoke about the ‘initial loss’ being when the person dies and the moments surrounding that time. I will never forget what this woman said next, which is what helped me to not feel so crazy in my own life. She continued to explain that after a death, life keeps moving on and your family and friends go on about their business as if nothing has happened. But you will experience ‘secondary losses.’ An example of this would be when a mother loses her child, and weeks or months later she drives by a playground and see’s another mother playing with her child on the swings. She then has to pull the car over because she is crying so hard she can no longer see the road. She has the realization that she will never play with her child on a playground. This is a secondary loss; the inability to experience this moment with her own child. This is perhaps why someone will be out to dinner and see someone eating something as silly as a steak dinner. While seeing this, that persons remembers the tradition that was made of always eating steak dinners with the person they have lost and they realize they will never get to do that again, then this is a secondary loss for them. No more steak dinners with their loved one. Cue the tears and feelings of loss all over again.

Now, many people who have never experienced a loss of a loved one, do not know how this feels. They do not know that the realization of no more steak dinners with a loved one can give you a stabbing gut wrenching feeling making it hard to breathe. They do not know that it feels like, all of a sudden, you have just lost that person all over again. It’s almost as if you have the same sensation as that moment you heard the news, and your grief feels like you are starting from day one. Now, since it is a steak dinner, it won’t last as long, but it hurts just as bad, and it is just as significant.

When this speaker at the Grief seminar shared this information with me, it was just so clear that what I was experiencing was completely normal. But to this day, others do not understand how these secondary losses matter just as much as the initial loss and they are deemed ‘overdramatic’ or ‘just give her some time she will get over it.’ I know that most people speak out of ignorance or inability to relate when they say ‘it’s not like you lost them all over again’, when that’s exactly how it feels. Many times, I have been able to let these comments roll off my back, but for many people this kind of comment truly stings. So, I guess I just feel it necessary to raise awareness of these simple yet significant moments that truly matter to those who have lost a loved one. The information I gained at the Grief seminar has been invaluable in validating my difficult moments along the way and I hope it can do the same for anyone who reads this and needs to know they are not crazy or alone in their grief.

During the holidays, it is a guarantee that people will be experiencing secondary losses, so please be aware of the magnitude that these losses hold for others. Reassure them that this is all part of the grieving process and don’t judge them whether their loved one died 10 days ago or 10 years ago. Sometimes it’s nice to hear you are not crazy of overdramatic from a friend or family member; after all, the Croghan Conference is only once a year.