Unwritten

A chapter is closing in a lot of people's lives here in Korea, and quite a few chapters are also beginning. You see, the new teachers have just arrived and many old teachers contracts are ending. Today was a workday where we had to set up our new classrooms for our new Kinder classes, and the new teachers were off doing training most of the day and the teachers who were leaving were making sure everything was settled and finished before they made their exit. The teachers who were staying, like myself, also were setting up their classrooms and organizing our desks, etc. 

I went upstairs to check out my classroom one last time before 5:30 rolled around and we could go home. I heard the bell ring and headed downstairs, and to my surprise saw many tear filled eyes in the office. With all the excitement and business of the week I forgot that this would be a sad moment for many teachers who were not staying at LCI academy any longer. One teacher had been there for 3 years and when he said goodbye to our boss her eyes filled with tears. I could tell she was embarrassed to have this kind of reaction but it was extremely endearing to see how much she cares for her teachers.

I have to admit, I sat there and watched for a minute, surprised, touched, and excited for everyone in the room. You see, those who are leaving have such amazing opportunities ahead of them and although the tears may flow now, its only a matter of time until a smile fills its place. The new teachers, who were mostly unaware of the emotion in the room due to deep concentration on the curriculum they were trying to learn, also have amazing opportunities around the corner. They may be completely overwhelmed at this moment with the culture shock of being in Korea and the demands of being a teacher here, but when it all starts falling into place they will see that they made a wonderful choice moving to Korea. Their journey has started. And for those of us, like myself, who are 6 months in, feeling comfortable and confident, we get to be the veteran teachers now. We are no longer branded as new and total morons as far as teaching in a foreign country goes. People will come to us for advice.....that's kind of an awesome feeling! We are more familiar with the culture, the city, the school and know our way around the block. The future is bright for us as well and we are diving right in with no cares or worries.

The pages are turning, chapters are being closed and new ones are being opened. What will they entail? My Mom used to tell me she loved Natasha Bedingfield's song "Unwritten" because it was perfect to listen to when going into a new adventure or starting a new chapter in your life. Well here we go again...

I am unwritten..... can't read my mind......I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned!

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
 
Today is where your book begins,  
The rest is still unwritten....

~Natasha Bedingfield

Letting Go

 It is SO hard to let go of the people you love. In a lifetime so many people come in and out of your life and you have to be OK with saying goodbye's. I have the hardest time letting go of people, as I know it is hard to find good people in this world so you should hold on tight when you've got one. But sometimes, there are things like oceans or thousands of miles between you, so an ADIOS is inevitable. Some of the most amazing and influential people I have met do not live in my home state, and I have to try to keep up with them via facebook, phone, or skype. It's hard because life happens, and you can't chat as much as you would like. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but distance is distance.


Some people you know you will never talk to again because the time in your life when you have met them is a unique and fading period. It is not a sour goodbye, it is filled very much with love but the truth is that the amazing time of your lives you have had together is now over. An example of this would be when I studied abroad in England for a year. During this year, I had the best roommates I could have asked for. They were smart, funny, full of spontaneity and courage, and they taught me so much about the world. At 20 years old you are extremely impressionable, only just really coming into your own beleifs and ideas about the world, and they helped me to see through a better set of worldly glasses and not the rose colored ones I kept putting on. There was such a gentleness about that house in the way it delivered me into the world. I could have never imagined what was really out there when living in Greensboro, NC. So when I arrived in England I was ready to grow, learn, and experience life in a whole new way.  I continued my psychology degree, learned random words in Arabic or Greek, and would eat foods from all over the world. The University was a melting pot of cultures and nationalities there, and I was reminded of it every time I would walk to school. I would hear 2 or 3 languages while just walking to class! My roommates alone were from Spain, England, India, Belgium and then I of course was from the States. This kind of richness is hard to replicate. With everything we did together, all the memories we made, my roommates and I grew closer. We gained an effortless friendship that will always hold a special place in my heart. At the end of my year, we said our goodbye's, and I knew that closeness would eventually turn to distance. We tried to stay in touch, and I did see one roommate a few years later, but time and life happens. Goodbye sometimes is just that. It is extremely saddening but they served their purpose in my life, and made a lasting impact.

Then there are the goodbyes that should have never come. The ones from boyfriends or girlfriends that you thought would be a part of your life forever. These are the unimaginable, horrifying, unplanned goodbye's that leave an all-too sour taste in your mouth. And for me at least, it has taken me quite some time to let go of that bitterness. In college I had two amazing best friends that I could tell anything too. We did everything together. We were those silly young girls that finished each others sentences, who lived together and worked together, and who continued to be close and spend immense amounts of time together even after we graduated college. We knew all of each others secrets and never once flinched about dishing the dirt, because in your early 20's you never think life will happen and break up fairytale 'best friendships'. You think your invincible and that you will be in each others weddings 5 or 10 years from now, and have babies at the same time and grow up together. Well, unfortunately, life happened.....as it always does. And these friendships, that I thought were fireproof, were all of a sudden ablaze. Regardless of who started the fire, life was too hard, and so were the circumstances surrounding our ruins. Letting go of this kind of friendship, the kind you never thought you would say goodbye too, leaves its mark. Goodbye sucks.

Letting go of the innocent, the children, the people with special needs has proven to be a whole different situation for me. There is something about letting go and saying goodbye to someone who can not fend for themselves. It feels like you are saying, "You will be fine without me," and many times I have been unsure if this was actually the truth. This is where I have to remind myself of my faith. Let go and let God take over. I have to believe every beautiful camper that I worked with at the special needs camp for adults is doing just fine and getting the aide they need at this very moment. I also have to believe that all of the children I have done therapy with, the babies who are now over 3 years old in NC, are also getting the aide they need as well as good parenting and schooling. I have to believe they will grow up just fine without me spectating or even playing in the game. I have to let them all go.

Well the same goes for my Kinders. So much of me is screaming out that they will never survive without Ms.Nikki, but I know this is not true. I just want the best for them and will miss them more than words can say. I have to beleive and pray that God will have an eye on them since I can no longer protect them.

I have been told that one of the best things about me is my ability to abandon all logic and love others with every single part of me. I love others deeply, from the depths of my soul, and don't think about how it will feel when the time comes to say goodbye....to let them go. But no matter how that goodbye comes about, the love that filled my heart for them was real. My Kinders know that, and I just have to hope they will encounter many more people that will love them like that throughout their lives.

Letting go will probably never be easy for me, but it's a part of life. Friends across the world, friends lost, the innocent campers and children with special needs, and now my Kinders.....we all sleep under the same moon. We may not be together anymore, but we are all connected, and always will be because of the love and memories that we have shared.

Graduation

Yesterday I woke up before my alarm, ready to get dressed up for the day and conquer it. I had a state of nervousness and excitement inside of me, and I just knew I needed to focus on the task at hand. I have been preparing at work for the past 2 months for graduation. I have been tirelessly working on the play, (the Golden Goose) and completing text books so my children could take them home. When I said my goodbye's to my kids on Monday, after their last real day of Kindergarten, tears came to my eyes. I gave them all hugs and kisses and one of the little boys named Jason reached up and gave me 4 or 5 kisses in a row. He said 'I love you' and walked out the door, and I stood there in my empty classroom collecting myself. I have put my heart and soul into these kids for the past 6 months and I did not want to let it go.

But graduation was happening, and we had to keep moving forward. I walked to work yesterday passing my coworkers on the way wondering why they were leaving for the auditorium without me. Since my boss was in that group I figured I must be going with another group, so I kept walking to work with no sense of haste in my step. Well, once I got to work I was informed that I was in fact supposed to be in the car with the group of my coworkers and boss that I had just seen on the sidewalk walking AWAY from school. So, I laughed and said.....'OK so how do I get there now?' As the Korean teachers were trying to find a ride for me, my student Jason walked in. The same sweet boy who had given me kisses the day before. He was so excited for the play, telling me to look at his stockings he was wearing under his pants, and to smell his hair because his mother put moose in it! It turned out that the owner of my school was going to drive me, and when he saw Jason standing next to me, he told him to hop in the car as well. This unforeseen ride together to the auditorium was such a nice surprise.

Me and Jason held hands the whole way there as he sang songs to me and recited his lines. I couldn't help but think how lucky I was to have missed my actual ride, since I was getting more quality time with one of my favorite students this way. We got to the auditorium, walked inside, and met the rest of our Kinder class.


Everyone was all dressed up looking so nice for their big day. We were informed that were were the last of the morning performances so we would have to sit tight, relax, and BEHAVE while we watched the other classes perform their play. I sat between two of my favorite and naughty little boys and chatted with them and took pictures with them to try to keep them from yelling across the auditorium. You see, every time a classmate of ours or a family member would arrive through one of the auditorium doors, my kids would YELL AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS to say hello to that person. Although endearing, not allowed. So we amused ourselves with photos and quiet conversation until it was our turn.

We went backstage and the children proceeded in putting on their costumes and microphones. They figited with them for quite some time but then lined up and were ready to go. They all looked adorable in their bright colored outfits, with some of the outfits needing a bit of adjusting. One child had too big of a pot belly, so we put his belt around his head as a headband instead. So funny, right?

They were not nervous AT ALL, they were ready to go, so we walked on stage. I told the audience who I was, and that we were doing 'the Golden Goose' as our play today. And just like that.....it started.

The kids did their introductions wonderfully, speaking loudly and clearly telling the audience their names and what character they would be playing. The parents behind me were snapping photos and saying many "Ooooh, awwwww", so I knew we were doing well. My hands were shaking through the whole thing because I was so nervous for them. There were no hiccups until we got to PitterPan. The poor child's microphone was not working! And then we got to Sean, and in the middle of Sean's introduction Jason let out a HUGE SNEEZE which was incredibly loud considering he was wearing a microphone. The audience laughed and we kept moving forward with the play even though Sean had his pouty face on.

They sang and danced and said their lines with confidence! Especially considering there was a continuous issue trying to fix PitterPan's microphone. But this didn't bother them, the children kept going like champs. I couldn't have asked for more! By the time our finale song came on, Lean on Me, PitterPan had TWO microphones on his ear with one of them actually working. We were ready and we began our song.

The kids clapped and sang and I turned around and got the audience to clap as well. The parents joined in and continued taking photos and singing along. Apparently this song is a big hit here in Korea too, so the audience was getting into it. The kids remembered all their dance moves, and by their bow at the end, the parents were cheering! We walked off stage, my hands still shaking, but all of us knowing WE KILLED IT! We did amazing. The kids did better than I could have ever imagined.

They had a little snack backstage once they were back in their regualr clothes and they kept telling me how much fun it all was! I continued to encourage them and praise them for a job well done, and then we were told it was picture time.

I went up on stage with all the children and their parents and we took a group picture. The children got their diplomas and I congradualted all of them on graduating. Many parents came up to me and thanked me for teaching their child, wanted one last picture of me with their little one, and told me how well we did in the play. I was even given a beautiful bouquet of flowers and my heart just felt filled to the brim with love.

To have that many parents come and tell you how much you are appreciated, want photo ops, and giving you so much praise for your efforts, truly makes you feel amazing. I couldn't even cry in the mad rush of what was happening on stage, because it all happened so fast. They all wanted more pictures and hugs from their teacher; ME. I didn't feel sad, I felt great, and extremely proud. I will miss those kids, but we went out with a BANG!

Wanted: Sister in Christ

Sometimes I feel like such a fish out of water here. I am so different than so many of my peers let alone submerged in a culture that is not my own. Sometimes I walk down a subway hall and I am surrounded by a sea of Korean people, and I am the only American person in sight. Often I am the only Christian in a room, or the only one over the age of 25, but it usually doesn’t get to me. Today it did.

You see, I have been so incredibly blessed in the States to have amazing sisters in Christ around me. I have gone on mission trips, met these amazing ladies, and can call them whenever I am need of someone who understands my thoughts and actions because they understand my faith.  They can help me make the right choices based on the Bible and hold me accountable for living how He wants me too. Having these people to call on and go and visit at a moment’s notice is so invaluable. I unfortunately do not have that here in Seoul. 

Now, don’t misunderstand what I am saying here. I have some of the best friends I could have imagined here in Seoul. They are there for me whenever I need them and I can call on them for anything from running to a nearby café with me for a bite to eat, to an emergency trip to the doctor while I’m crying my eyes out in pain. They have been nearby for crisis and for mundane activities. They even ask me about church and my bible study group, which they DO NOT have to do. So I know they care deeply for me. But there is something to be said about having an honest conversation about the Lord on a regular basis. 

The only times I can do that now, is when I am skyping with my Mom. I’m not going to make one of my non-Christian friends uncomfortable by trying to speak to them about things we do not agree on.  I have been praying for God to send me a sister in Christ so I can have someone to speak to about those things here, but so far that prayer has not been answered. I am learning more and more DAILY, how it is to be alone in your faith and have only God to depend on for spiritual guidance, which is very tough. I have to constantly check my own behaviors and take time to figure out how to face my problems the way that Jesus would want me too. I am basically WWJD’ing all alone with no one to bounce ideas off of. 

 

I am truly walking in Him, solo. 

Maybe this is how He wants it. No God-fearing man in my life or girlfriends to turn to when life happens. Maybe this is supposed to prepare me for anything that comes across my path, making me stronger and stronger by myself. Maybe…..but it’s quite hard to do alone. Sometimes I wish He would stop teaching me so many hard lessons and just throw me a bone every now and then.

 

But for now, I will continue to walk proudly in His light. Unaccompanied, alone, solo. I’m going to keep praying for a sister in Christ to help me muddle through this crazy life here in Seoul though, and try not to get discouraged when no one shows up. Hoping for the best, and trying to find comfort in my uniqueness. After all, when it comes to fish out of water they have two choices; die or get back in the water and swim. It’s hard to do on your own, but you’ve got to fight the current, fight the wave of frustration that comes with feeling alone.  Solitude is sometimes where you hear God better anyway. 

Class Clown

The class clown has always been an interesting thing to me growing up....often I never really understood the whole being silly to make people laugh thing, but sometimes it was funny so I would join in. I always wanted to be a good student and hated getting in trouble though so I never was too silly myself for fear of being reprimanded. I never thought too much about it until now..... being a teacher to beautiful and OH SO NAUGHTY Korean 7 year olds I am faced with my own class clown.

In many circles the class clown is the one who is overcompensating for his lack of understanding of the material by making foolish comments. This is how I always understood this phenomenon, of putting yourself out there to get into trouble because at least you were receiving social praise with waves of laughter before being sent to time out or the principals office. Not knowing the material in school AND not being funny either would be a life almost unbearable to live for many children....so if you don't understand the schoolwork then why not just be funny? Problem fixed. Let the friends and social moral begin to heal those wounds. How many times have you heard that....I was not the smart one in school, but I was the funny one!

But in my Kinder class, my class clown happens to be the smartest kid in the class. Now, when this thought crossed my mind another followed..."Is he bored with my class, and therefore he is acting out?" Well the answer is No, as he is still challenged by the material I realized, but he is far advanced when it comes to reading, writing, and oral communication. But he is the one that does funny dances when I turn around, or repeats things his friends say in a funny voice, and loud laughs ripple across my classroom. I often discipline him, give him warnings, take away his stars, and it doesn't matter. He is a major goofball and it makes others in my class be super naughty too, as they then mimic him in hopes to receive the same social praise of laughter out of every child's mouth. It doesn't help that I absolutely LOVE this child and think he is just so adorable, and sometimes his silly laughter is even contagious to me! The teacher falling for his goofy routines is NOT an option when you are trying to discipline 7 year olds.

Today he came to school for the first time in a week. I needed to teach him a new dance for our play next week, as we now only have ONE day for him to learn it. I was very eager for him to do so, so I wouldn't worry about how things would go when we perform it on Tuesday. So I hoped for the best and that his serious side would show up today.

I should have known when he came into the classroom, a huge smile on his face and receiving a huge welcome from the children, that he was going to be trouble. And wouldn't you know it, he laughed, danced, and joked the entire 20 minutes we practiced our play. I began to have a premonition of him doing this class clown act on stage on Tuesday and my boss having a complete meltdown in the wings of the stage. .....And then I started to smile. His mother just happened to send him to school in a shirt that said "I am loved," and I kept thinking, "UGHHHH YOU ARE! That's why I'm not annoyed by this whole charade, it just makes me love you more!" This kids naughty little smile is so contagious, and his behavior is just a gamble, so why worry about it? Of course all of the other children around him began to dance around, laugh, and joke and so I just stopped rehearsing. I pulled him to the side and had this talk with him:

"You need to really work on behaving when we practice on Monday because that will be the last day we can practice before we perform on Tuesday! I can't have you messing around like this. You won't learn everything in time."

His response: "Nooooo. I can practice on Saturday and Sunday and then Monday too." (so smart)

Me: "Well yes, thats true, but Monday is the last time you can practice with your friends, OK?"

He let out a giggle, with a big smile and gave me a hug then proceeded to get his things to go home. I was so tickled by the whole thing that I just ran over and kept giving him hugs and kisses until he said "Ughhhhh Ms.Nikki!"

That lovable, smart, good for nothing, naughty little boy! He gets under my skin so bad, but mostly he has gotten into my heart. What will I ever do without him?

With change, comes goodbye's

 I’m feeling a little like a trucks hit me....everything is happening so fast....Mama came and went, the graduation countdown and race is fully on, and my kiddos soon won’t be my kiddos anymore. I'm doing an atrocious amount of grammar and math each day, wiping tears off of their little overwhelmed faces, and trying to stop fights between them as they let their frustration of too much work and no playtime come out. All the while, I’ve been battling an annoying and persistent cold. I would pray the weekend comes faster but that means I only have my kids for 2 more days until they are gone.    :(

Change is a funny thing. Personally I crave it. I love it. It screams opportunity to me and makes me excited for the possibilities. But the problem I have is that I get very attached to people or things that are happening in my life, so with change comes quite a bit of heartache.

Tuesday is my last day with my Kinder class. Here in Korea the school year ends in February instead of June like in the States, so they are moving up. They are graduating and going to first grade and I don’t know if I will ever see them again. I truly love my 11 sweet, crazy, and naughty children and it seems very wrong for me to go to work and not have them there waiting for me. Now, I know I will get another adorable and crazy Kinder class to teach that I will equally love and adore, but it’s still so hard to let them go. With change, comes goodbye’s. 

It reminds me of all the times I would have a child ‘age out’ of my therapy services back in NC. You see, I would work with children with special needs and when they turned 3 years old, they had to look for therapy from a different kind of therapist. I worked with the babies; ages 0-3. The most vulnerable. The most influential. The most needy. The best, I always thought because it was so rewarding when you helped a child say their first words or take their first steps. But when they would age out of my services, turning 3 years old, I would cry like a baby in my car outside of their house knowing I would probably never see them again. But then I would get a new amazing child on my caseload that would take their place. With change, comes goodbyes. It’s a part of life….things, people, or places are constantly changing, improving or being replaced. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m on those tea cups at the amusement park where you keep spinning and spinning and spinning…things are changing so fast in front of your eyes you can’t quite take it all in. So you eventually just PUKE. Well, I’m less of a puker, more of crier, but you get the point. :)

So this Tuesday when they are singing "Lean On Me" and working so hard to be perfect at their little play on stage, I will have to try to focus less on the goodbye part, and instead focus on the opportunity part. I had the opportunity to influence their lives for 6 months, and now I will have the opportunity to influence many more little Korean lives for the next 6 months.

Well that’s the game plan anyway…..I will bring tissues just in case.

Torn between two worlds

It's funny how comfortable I have become here in Korea, yet how I sometimes feel very much like this whole life in Seoul is an outer body experience. I often feel like I am looking down at myself going, "Why are you in South Korea?? You live in Asia!!!" and then I just laugh because I still can't believe it's true.

My hectic lifestyle I have grown accustom to here is as such; working lots of hours busy with children, and then leaving work to do fun social get togethers with friends or go out and explore the city. Often on weekends I will try a new restaurant or see a new sight, because in Seoul there are a million things to do. I will never conquer it all in the year I’m here but I want to see my fair share of the city. So before I know it, the weekends over, and I’m back to Monday. My days are full of rich experiences of learning about Korean culture and helping children to learn my native language. I am adored by so many humans that barely reach my waist, and must constantly show discipline, love, and understanding for them. There is no such thing as just merely relaxing, as I’m always learning, whether it’s a new Korean word, cultural habit, or method of teaching. I’m always ON. I’m  constantly being tested in new scenarios and learning so much about myself. Wounds are healing and I am growing into the kind of woman God wants me to be.

It’s easy in the middle of all of that to forget about life at home. Not like FORGET, but it’s no longer at the forefront of my mind like it was when I first arrived here in August. Sure I miss my family, warm weather, my puppy and my friends, but time is flying by…..who has time to worry too much about life in a country thousands of miles away from me?

When my Mom came I realized just how different I am now, than I was before I came to Asia. Whenever she would tell a friend of mine a story about something I did back in NC, I realized just how different I would approach that same situation if it happened to me now. I felt like my life before I came was so irrelevant……well not IRRELEVANT, but just not applicable to help others see who I am now. It was a very surreal feeling for me, as I know every moment in my life thus far has lead me to a life in KOREA, but I hadn’t realized until then just how much my life in Korea had truly begun to change me. But why was I surprised? This was why I signed up for a year abroad…..to totally induce change in my life. To heal the wounds in my heart, to grow in my faith, and to challenge myself in every way possible. It is happening, and I guess for the first time I saw to what degree I was truly moving on and moving forward.

But it made me think…..what will this mean for when I return to NC?  Because every moment of my life in Korea will determine how I continue to move on and move forward in my life back in the States.

I told my Mom when she was here that I CANT WAIT to come home and see everyone! Beyond my hectic schedule, I honestly don’t think about it too much because it makes me miss everyone too much sometimes. But when she jokingly asked, “Do you want to come home with me next week?” I knew immediately my answer was NO.

You see, God is hard at work with me here in Seoul. I have so much faith in His plan that I can feel him moving through me and helping me grow each day. Whatever he has left to teach me in the next 6 months I am wide open too, as I know it will be invaluable. Monumental. Precious.

So I may be torn between two worlds, but I’m doing enough living for a lifetime.

Better hair in Korea?? Men or Women?

(Glynis' dictation) 
 
One of the most interesting and fascinating things I have seen while here in Seoul may surprise you…the mens hair! The styles are so crazy and men of all ages sport them.

Being a hair stylist for a very long time I would guess that in the US  there are maybe five haircuts guys want. Well, this is not so in Korea!

As I walked the streets and subways of Seoul I would be mesmerized by the creativity that these guys showed in how they wore their hair.

 There was the “mop head” quite often colored an orange color.

Then there is the “faux hawk” except not so faux.  

Then there is  the asymmetrical hairstyle reminiscent of the 80’s.

Even the little kids get into it.

A lot of the styles are very feminine but that does not seem to be a problem for these Korean males who are so in touch with their feminine sides.

It would seem that the money to be made in the hair salons in South Korea is definitely with these fashion forward Korean men!