Letting Go

 It is SO hard to let go of the people you love. In a lifetime so many people come in and out of your life and you have to be OK with saying goodbye's. I have the hardest time letting go of people, as I know it is hard to find good people in this world so you should hold on tight when you've got one. But sometimes, there are things like oceans or thousands of miles between you, so an ADIOS is inevitable. Some of the most amazing and influential people I have met do not live in my home state, and I have to try to keep up with them via facebook, phone, or skype. It's hard because life happens, and you can't chat as much as you would like. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but distance is distance.


Some people you know you will never talk to again because the time in your life when you have met them is a unique and fading period. It is not a sour goodbye, it is filled very much with love but the truth is that the amazing time of your lives you have had together is now over. An example of this would be when I studied abroad in England for a year. During this year, I had the best roommates I could have asked for. They were smart, funny, full of spontaneity and courage, and they taught me so much about the world. At 20 years old you are extremely impressionable, only just really coming into your own beleifs and ideas about the world, and they helped me to see through a better set of worldly glasses and not the rose colored ones I kept putting on. There was such a gentleness about that house in the way it delivered me into the world. I could have never imagined what was really out there when living in Greensboro, NC. So when I arrived in England I was ready to grow, learn, and experience life in a whole new way.  I continued my psychology degree, learned random words in Arabic or Greek, and would eat foods from all over the world. The University was a melting pot of cultures and nationalities there, and I was reminded of it every time I would walk to school. I would hear 2 or 3 languages while just walking to class! My roommates alone were from Spain, England, India, Belgium and then I of course was from the States. This kind of richness is hard to replicate. With everything we did together, all the memories we made, my roommates and I grew closer. We gained an effortless friendship that will always hold a special place in my heart. At the end of my year, we said our goodbye's, and I knew that closeness would eventually turn to distance. We tried to stay in touch, and I did see one roommate a few years later, but time and life happens. Goodbye sometimes is just that. It is extremely saddening but they served their purpose in my life, and made a lasting impact.

Then there are the goodbyes that should have never come. The ones from boyfriends or girlfriends that you thought would be a part of your life forever. These are the unimaginable, horrifying, unplanned goodbye's that leave an all-too sour taste in your mouth. And for me at least, it has taken me quite some time to let go of that bitterness. In college I had two amazing best friends that I could tell anything too. We did everything together. We were those silly young girls that finished each others sentences, who lived together and worked together, and who continued to be close and spend immense amounts of time together even after we graduated college. We knew all of each others secrets and never once flinched about dishing the dirt, because in your early 20's you never think life will happen and break up fairytale 'best friendships'. You think your invincible and that you will be in each others weddings 5 or 10 years from now, and have babies at the same time and grow up together. Well, unfortunately, life happened.....as it always does. And these friendships, that I thought were fireproof, were all of a sudden ablaze. Regardless of who started the fire, life was too hard, and so were the circumstances surrounding our ruins. Letting go of this kind of friendship, the kind you never thought you would say goodbye too, leaves its mark. Goodbye sucks.

Letting go of the innocent, the children, the people with special needs has proven to be a whole different situation for me. There is something about letting go and saying goodbye to someone who can not fend for themselves. It feels like you are saying, "You will be fine without me," and many times I have been unsure if this was actually the truth. This is where I have to remind myself of my faith. Let go and let God take over. I have to believe every beautiful camper that I worked with at the special needs camp for adults is doing just fine and getting the aide they need at this very moment. I also have to believe that all of the children I have done therapy with, the babies who are now over 3 years old in NC, are also getting the aide they need as well as good parenting and schooling. I have to believe they will grow up just fine without me spectating or even playing in the game. I have to let them all go.

Well the same goes for my Kinders. So much of me is screaming out that they will never survive without Ms.Nikki, but I know this is not true. I just want the best for them and will miss them more than words can say. I have to beleive and pray that God will have an eye on them since I can no longer protect them.

I have been told that one of the best things about me is my ability to abandon all logic and love others with every single part of me. I love others deeply, from the depths of my soul, and don't think about how it will feel when the time comes to say goodbye....to let them go. But no matter how that goodbye comes about, the love that filled my heart for them was real. My Kinders know that, and I just have to hope they will encounter many more people that will love them like that throughout their lives.

Letting go will probably never be easy for me, but it's a part of life. Friends across the world, friends lost, the innocent campers and children with special needs, and now my Kinders.....we all sleep under the same moon. We may not be together anymore, but we are all connected, and always will be because of the love and memories that we have shared.