Grimy Friends

It’s amazing how differently things affect you as you get older. When I was in high school or college I would get caught up in dramatic affairs or let other people’s choices bother me, but I process things so differently now. I am much more of a logical thinker when it comes to problems I am faced with or I hear that others are facing. But I also try to live my life by a certain moral code now, the way that God would be proud of, so this makes me sensitive to other people’s moral imbalances. Sure I used to lie and talk behind people’s backs but these are habits I chose to break. In no way am I saying I do not screw up anymore as I still make mistakes daily, but I am painfully aware of them. I will always try to right my wrongs working hard not to make the same mistakes twice. I am a firm believer in learning from your mistakes and constantly working to be better the next day, the next month, and the next year than you were previously.

So when I see others lying without flinching, or hurting someone and then smiling in their face, it is quite hard for me to swallow these days. But I tell myself, “You were young and made those same mistakes….don’t get angry or judge them. Who knows why they are the way they are?” But this is so much easier said than done. This kind of behavior makes me want to turn my back on this or that friendship knowing that this kind of character is not one which you can build a solid friendship on. (Let alone give them a piece of my mind) After all, I’ve had my fair share of rocky friendships, been lied to and taken for granted and stabbed in the back by people who I gave 2^nd/3^rd/and 4^th chances too. I’m not willing to bet my emotional well being of any given day on the chance that you may all of sudden…… ‘change.’ The best I can do is WWJD. Show you some grace, pray for you, hope that one day (as I did) you will see the error in your ways and grow up. But until then cordial acquaintances is all I can offer.

I’m so glad there are a few select people here in Korea who do not fit this description. You see with these people, I may not have the same background, be from the same state, or even have the same religion, but we all have one thing in common; heart. Heart from making it over insurmountable hurdles that could have hindered our outcome. Heart from having a certain set of eyes that enable us to maintain a deep appreciation for life and its precious fleeting moments. We understand celebrating is not something to be done in moderation, and understand that happiness is something we need to work to attain. We will not settle; we will change our circumstances. We know our dreams are worth fighting for. We hold tight to things that matter and let go of things that don’t. We treasure the constants in our lives whether its people, places, or simple things like mac and cheese or coffee. And yet we embrace new experiences, soaking in whatever they can offer us, understanding they will build character and strength for the future.

So maybe, these days, I need friends with a little heart. This could also be thought of as life experience but I also often think of it as a little ‘griminess’. Because as I have said before, through the darkness, the weakness, the pain, there is so much strength, wisdom, and maturity. It is so often with these kinds of circumstances there comes a zest for life. Sure, sometimes it can go the other way when you have seen the ‘dark side’, but I didn’t go that way and neither did the people I am drawn to. These are the people I relate to. It seems that these people who have gone through the ‘grime’ don’t come out making choices to lie, cheat, and tear people down. They realize life is too important for all that negativity and hatred.

These are not necessarily the people I would have chosen to hang out with in high school as I usually had a flare for the dramatics. (just ask my Mom!) But now, in this new, ever changing, ever learning, more appreciative phase in my life here in Seoul, these people fill me up and meet my every need.

These are the people I turn too, who I am grateful for, and who I will miss dearly when I leave my life here in Korea. 

The Strength in Weakness

Today I decided I really needed to get away from my little bubble of teachers and familiar faces, so I headed into Seoul to begin my day with church. I have a saying here with one of my friends that every now and then I have a ‘Sunday’. Basically this day of the week has been the day when life slows down and so life catches up to me, which often leaves me reflective, often sad, and with a lot on my mind. Sometimes ‘Sundays’ are not in fact on Sundays, but the meaning of the day will be the same for me. So if I am being quiet and seem preoccupied, my friend will sometimes ask me, ‘Is today a Sunday?’

I woke up feeling like today would very much be this kind of day, so going into church I was prepared for an emotional service. Well sure enough, the music choices were songs that were very close to my heart and when we got to a song that I have learned since being abroad, Cornerstone, the lump in my throat became too big to ignore. The song lyrics ring so true and are so powerful about how Jesus is the cornerstone in your life and how he is the only good thing on the Earth. It was one of those moments where all the crap from the past few weeks, all the lies people have told me, all the mean and ignorant things that I have heard just caught up to me, and I knew that I could let it go because I was in his presence now. As I finished singing the song, voice broken from being choked up and tears falling freely, I felt all the bitterness and anger begin to lift off of me. Of course I reached for a tissue to clean myself up before the song closed and the sermon began.  

As powerful as the worship was, the sermon was equally as impactful. We had a pastor speak about the power in our weaknesses. Basically he spoke about how God allows us to be broken at times and allows moments of weakness to overtake our lives because it is then that we let Him take over. It is then that we lean on Him for strength instead of thinking we can make it alone. When we are weak, our God is strong for us. This kind of brokenness is such a blessing and weakness should be treasured, as we are so much closer to God in these moments. So why do we often hide our weaknesses, and why are we ashamed of them? Why do we put on a mask daily pretending we are just fine? Why are we afraid to show our weaknesses when it is through them that we can testify about God’s greatness?

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9

Well, this message made me think a lot about the brokenness and sadness that lingers inside of me. I have so many things that I do not tell people about because I am not OK with the fact that I am not ‘over’ them. I constantly pray for God to make me whole again and not continually burdened due to past difficult circumstances that I have endured. But it is because of my burdens, my brokenness, my weakness that I am constantly in prayer to Him….that I am so close to Him….that I am growing in my faith with Him. So why am I so eager to move out of this phase which is clearly a blessing in my walk with Christ? Sure it is painful, and hard on a daily basis, but I am staying deeply connected with the light of the world because of this brokenness. Through every trial, every difficult day, I remember who I worship, who I am striving to be more like, and ‘keeping my eyes on the prize that God has called me heavenward.’ There is an immense amount of strength in my weaknesses, so I’ve decided I’m in no rush to get rid of them. I will choose to treasure them instead.

“My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus’ name.

When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on his unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

Christ alone, Cornerstone. Weak made strong in the Saviors love. Through the storm, he is Lord, Lord of all.

Through the storm, he is Lord, Lord of all.” 

Japan

After a few minutes looking through old pictures on my laptop I realized I had not spoken about my amazing trip to Japan very much on my blog. I went to Japan when I first arrived in Korea, in September 2012, and back then I didn't have much time to write on my blog with the whole culture shock and new job situation happening. Now that things have settled down I thought I would recap my favorite moments in Japan.

Both myself and another teacher went to Japan over a long weekend and spent 5 days there. We stayed at a friends house in Kobe and took day trips to Osaka and Kyoto. While in Kyoto I had the amazing opportunity to get dressed up like a Geisha! The face paint, kimono, wig, shoes, and even a photo shoot were in a package deal. We went with the mother of our Japanese friend we were visiting, who was one of the most selfless and kind women I have every met. She also proved to be very helpful in being our paparazzi for the day and seemed to have as much fun as we did! We must have taken a million pictures as our faces were painted white, lips stained red, and pink/red and black eye make up was applied. We then had our hair pinned back and a wig, which must have weighed five pounds, was put on top of our heads. Getting dressed up in the kimono was also an exhilarating experience that left me breathless......literally breathless. You see, the layers in a kimono are pretty intense so I was being pulled and strapped from every angle and told to 'suck in' as I evolved into a Japanese Geisha. I truly had no idea how many items of clothing were underneath that gorgeous fabric as it looks so effortless!


Well, beauty is pain, and boy did we look good, so we laughed it off and truly tried to become Geisha, inside and out! My friend and I looked totally transformed as the makeover came to a close and then we headed off to a photo shoot in our outfits. We were told to hold fans and gorgeous Japanese umbrellas and smile with our eyes, NOT OUR TEETH. I couldn't help but laugh at the unnatural manner I was fumbling around this Japanese mans photography set as he kept trying to tell me what to do in his broken English. Nevertheless, I somehow pulled it off and the photos were gorgeous! How many people can say they dressed up as a Geisha while in Japan? A pretty authentic experience I would say.

If you know me at all, you know I am a sushi fanatic! I could live on the stuff, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! So one of the top things on my to-do list in Japan was to eat some amazing sushi! I was not dissapointed at all! On one of our nights in with our Japanese friends family they decided to have sushi for dinner. I was thrilled as I looked at the table full of raw fish, and felt full of anticipation as I began to wonder if it would taste better in Japan than anywhere else in the world I had eaten it. My excitement level rose off the charts when I was asked if I wanted to learn how to make tempura. I absolutely love tempura and at just about every sushi meal I have had in the States I have wondered how they make it. Could I learn how to do it myself and enjoy this phenomenal treat at home regularly? Well, this sweet Japanese mother sat there and taught me all the ingredients needed and went step by step describing the process in making tempura sushi. I sat there in amazement as I watched her make tempura onions, mushrooms, potatoes, etc. I was like a little kid in the mall at Christmas finally seeing Santa Clause! I had learned something invaluable that I had always wondered about and would take this memory and knowledge with me from there on out. And from who? Once again, the authenticity of learning how to make tempura from a Japanese woman, in Japan, was unreal. As for the sushi, it IS better in Japan, and probably will be the best sushi I have ever tasted until I go back!

The most amazing and breathtaking place I have been thus far (in my life) was in Kyoto, Japan. This city had so much more to offer along with our incredible geisha experience. We visited temples made of gold, learned so much about Japanese rituals and culture, and walked through a forest of Bamboo! Yes, that is correct, a forest made completely of bamboo trees that soared higher than you could imagine. As we walked up to the entrance of the forest I could see the tree's folding together at the top making almost a tunnel of bamboo to enter. It was one of those moments that you walked in and you knew immediately you would remember this forever. I was left speechless and hard pressed to even find a way to describe what I was seeing. These trees were a gorgeous green and brown color, soaring higher than I could see,  and seemingly endless in its distance. As my friend and I followed the path there were no words spoken between us, except the occasional 'wow' or 'oh my gosh', under one of our breaths. It was a mysterious and unimaginable place that you feel like has come out of a dream. This place gave me exactly what I came abroad to find; hope. If you ever go to Japan, you should put this on your list.

There were so many amazing things I was able to experience in Japan. My time there was filled with laughter and love and the general kindness that was shown to me by the Japanese people was worth recognizing. It was a place of beauty and respect which I will never forget. New friendships were made, along with memories that will last a lifetime, and I left feeling so lucky to have had a chance to visit.

F-R-I-E-N-D...

Over the past few years the word 'friend' has had a sour taste in my mouth. I have known friends to be the type of people who are not in fact there for you, lie, hurt, and break your heart. It has been hard for me to even think about letting new people into a place inside my heart that was so badly damaged, but this was a big part of the reason why I knew I needed a new beginning.

One of my major goals in Korea was to start finding good, solid, genuinely kind girlfriends again. People who didn't just say they were there for me, but really were and proved it with their actions. You see words hold very little meaning in my book. I'm all about putting your money where your mouth is, and so actions mean a thousand times more to me. Especially in the face of adversity, that's when you truly see the people who have your back. Well after a lot of praying and moving to a country across the world, I have somehow started to let people fill that place in my heart again. This ability to let others in now makes me love my good friends at home all the more as I can let them rightfully squeeze into that tight and uninhabited place also.

You see, there have been great friends here in Korea who have fought for me and loved me inside and out. As to be expected there are also friends who are as phony as the plastic surgery junkies I see walking around Gangnam every week. But somehow I am learning how to spot the ones who deserve a place in my heart, the ones who are honest and good-hearted; allowing me to trust them. I am gaining more confidence in myself and my ability to move forward with successful friendships, and feeling good about the choices I am making in this time in my life. Still, there are days I think back to the pain that I have experienced due to 'best friends' that once were in my life, and I will put a wall up towards people I don't need to do this for. But overall, I'm opening up and shutting out those fears and doubts that cloud my mind when it comes to the word 'friends.' 

God placing me in Korea has helped me to do this, and God-willing I will continue to see the pro's of having close 'friends' again. 

Tutoring to the beat of our own drum

All schools have their own teaching style, usually based on the curriculum and then tweaked a bit in each in particular classroom. Well I have realized since being abroad and speaking with other teachers at other schools that it seems cultures also have a very distinct teaching style. Here in Korea it is very much a ‘no nonsense’ attitude towards education and studying outside of school. Most Korean schools have a very rigid format that they put together to ensure success and each child must learn to fit into this mold. Well, I will vouch for their instincts with many of their teaching methods, they are a bit demanding but spot on….it breeds many fluent English speaking children with bright futures ahead of them. This can even be seen with my Kinders who could hold a conversation in understandable broken English with just about anyone who was fluent. This is very impressive in my book!

Well, with any strict and rigid format there will be the outliers; the children that do not fit into this mold. They do not learn at the rate everyone else is learning and they need more from their teacher besides workbooks and standardized tests that somehow can judge how smart they are. So many of the schools over here put incredible emphasis on being at ‘your age level’, and don’t give credit to the ones that are making progress just at a slower rate. Well I don’t think teaching, along with many other things, should so simply be put into a box like that. There IS such a thing as personalized teaching and teachers that don’t mind bending a little unconventional if it makes a child succeed.

This is ever so apparent with the child I tutor. He is a year or more behind his ‘age level’ and has had many tutors with not much progress and success. Well after some time getting to know him, he uttered this sentence to me; “I no like school, it too hard.” A light bulb went off and I knew we had to change his mind set before progress was made. I talked to my manager, telling her the material she wanted me to teach him was too hard and we were not making progress, and that I would like to decide myself how to proceed with this child. Being that so many people thought he was a lost cause, would make eyes in his direction (probably thinking “ohhh poor boy”), I was given permission to proceed as I saw fit. Well THANK GOD, because that was the day things changed for this child.

Now we play games with English words on flashcards, memory games and matching games being his favorites, and he smiles and laughs in tutoring. We draw on the board and make sentences both written and verbal with our new words. He loves to draw and is wonderful at it, so we draw detailed pictures of the places we are learning about, or pictures of the body labeling each body part. We run around the school putting flashcards on objects that describe the word, (like BEAUTIFUL would be placed on a rose), and we point out things we see in the school and practice vocabulary. I had been giving him tests that I would make for him throughout our months of tutoring, but recently I gave him a comprehensive one to cover the past 2.5 months of vocabulary and information we have covered. Well, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face and neither could he because he scored a 95 out of 100! When I told my boss this she said, “Wow, he has never gotten a score like that in his life!” I was proud of him and so glad that I was reaching this child with my unorthodox yet necessary teaching methods. I even received a compliment from my boss, which she does not dish out lightly, telling me that my teaching method was wonderful and is proving to be successful. She said she was really ‘impressed.’

Me and my tutoring kid smile and laugh and he enjoys school with me. Who’s to say it should be any different?

A woman's character

I was once told that character is not the choices you make in the midst of tragedies or life changing moments, it is the day to day choices you make that make up who you really are. The choices you make when no one is there to watch you are what truly show the kind of character you comprise. Ever since hearing these words of wisdom I have tried to be the person I wanted to be when no one was looking more often than when people were around to watch me or judge my behavior.

I believe that the twenty-something years are monumental in growing your character and showing the person you will become. I am continually changing and becoming more and more like the woman I hope to be. I am learning from my mistakes and making better choices the following year, and taking advice and wisdom from so many valuable people around me each day. Some people who have helped me to see the kind of woman I want to be are as follows:

My sister is the kind of woman who does not take ‘no’ for an answer. She continually fights for what she wants and does whatever she needs to in order to reach her goals. She is one of the most driven and successful people I know for this reason. She will never wake up one morning and have the thought, ‘I could have tried harder,’ because she always goes above and beyond in her career.

My Mom is the kind of woman that is genuine in everything she does. She cares so much for other people and will do whatever she can to help others. She gives so much of herself to her clients, to her family, and to her friends and does so with a smile. Even in the midst of conflict she will never be fake or two-faced with her behavior. She wears her heart on her sleeve and so you always know what you will get with my Mom; a genuine demeanor that is rooted in a big heart.

My neighbor Sabrina is the kind of woman that always finds the beauty and the fun in each day. She and her husband are so perfectly paired because they both have such a silly side that will add so many years to their lives! They say laughter is the cure for all ailments, and boy does she know it. Even with the stress of having twins, she will find time to laugh or let loose in one way or another. I value this so much about her character because it’s so important to know how to let go and not take life too seriously. She has this balance down pat, and that’s such a huge reason as to why she is an excellent mother.

My good friend Brenda is the kind of woman who doesn’t have a dishonest bone in her body. If you ever want to know the truth about something you go and ask her, because she is anything but a liar. She always tells you exactly like it is, and this is my favorite thing about her. Honestly is such an important quality in a woman’s character and it makes it so easy to trust her. I know she will never lie to me so it makes it so easy for me to tell her anything and everything about my life.  The honesty and love she puts out into the world is a rare and precious gift that I choose to accept.

 Another good friend Keri is the kind of woman who’s loves to give. Her selfless character enables her giving heart to bleed into so many amazing good causes. I saw this kind of selfless giving when she chose to give monthly to my charity, the Dean Thomas Moinet Foundation, a year before we were even official. She believed in my cause, and wanted nothing more than to give towards it to help make it happen. That kind of giving heart radiates so much joy from her which is contagious to be around.

A woman whose character is made up of unshakable faith is my friend Melissa. She has had so many struggles in her life, both in the past and present, and she never seems to waver. She fights with Jesus by her side, unwavering in her dedication towards knowing Him better and bringing His kingdom to Earth. There have been so many times where I have talked to her and been so incredibly moved by her faith amidst her circumstances, and that kind of day to day fight makes up an incredible character.

My grandma, my Meme, is a woman who see’s beauty in everything. She refuses to overlook the small things, whether it is a child blowing bubbles on a playground or a rose beginning to bloom, she notices them all. I have been in the car so many times with her and she will gasp and say “Look at those marvelous flowers!” and I will just laugh at how much it truly moves her, when it is just plain flowers on the side of the highway. She will say prayers for a child she has never met that died near her home every time she passes the spot, and she will find immense joy in the assortment of food at a buffet. This kind of character, one that appreciates it all, is not one to be undermined or laughed at. The older I get, the more I recognize this to be a spectacular character trait.

I can only hope as I move forward in my twenties I can continue to learn from all of the amazing women in my life. I hope I can take pieces of their character and mold them into my own to one day be recognized for some of the same remarkable traits. Its women like these that are examples for the rest of us.

Inconsolable Injustices

There are some nights that the problem is just too big, it cuts too deep….you are purely inconsolable.

I have experienced this kind of night before in my previous job. There was a little boy with special needs who I loved like my own child and I worked really hard to help him move forward with the areas where he showed delays. More than that, I worked hard to get into the good graces of his terrible neglectful mother so that I could come over to their house and work with him weekly. I knew that my being there helped him to be safe, and consistency with his therapy sessions were crucial for his success in school. I eventually gained his mothers trust to the point she would allow me to bring him new clothes, or food for their family, and other things I knew he needed for his health which she was unable to provide. Well, I worked with him for about 2 years and did everything I could to motivate his mother to be a better mother. I pushed the little boy and he was truly growing and making strides in his development, and was not afraid to go toe to toe with his preschool to fight for him to get into a better school; my school where I worked. I wanted to keep an eye on him to ensure his progress and his safety, besides the fact that it was actually a better school to accommodate his needs. I was so invested in his future, his happiness, and his well-being. Sure throughout those two years there were numerous heart wrenching situations and difficult conversations, but this little boy was worth it.

 Well, I found out one day that there was a serious struggle with his family and he was officially being entered into the foster care system. Now, I was not exactly a fan of his mothers parenting skills, but hearing the words ‘foster care system’ set off so many bells in my head. I actually had to leave work because I knew I would break down in front of everyone and not be able to stop crying. Thinking of his bouncing around from home to home in his future, going through the pain of not being with his family any longer, and growing up with even more memories of a painful childhood was an injustice I could not swallow. Why him? Why did this have to happen? Who will fight for him now, and who will he become? I got home and sat down on my couch and just lost it. In that moment, there was nothing anyone could say, no encouraging words, nothing to make the situation somehow not seem tragic. It was a night where there were no words…..I was inconsolable.

Well I am revisiting that feeling of hopelessness tonight. I have spoken before about the child in my class that I am sure if in the USA would get an autism diagnosis. He has been gone for the past 2 weeks on a vacation and today was his first day back. Any child that is out of school for a long period of time has trouble readjusting, but with him this meant a day of meltdowns and harsh realizations for myself. Everything seemed to set him off; the noise in the classroom, the blackboard markers not being dark enough, not having enough time to write his sentences perfectly, etc. I had to continuously send him out into the hallway to get his work done as he was just shutting down in the classroom. He was covering his ears, stomping his feet, and refusing to work. But the quiet of the hallway was a perfect atmosphere for him and he would come back with his work complete. He was also behaving disruptively during lessons so I gave him this sensory ball which he rubbed in the palm of his hand while listening, which helped him to focus. My first thought, ‘He is struggling so much today, but I know what to do for him.” My second thought, “He graduates in 6 weeks, and no other teacher will give him these accommodations, he will just get in trouble for not doing his work. Getting a new classroom and teacher will surely make him have a hard time. It will be so rough for him.”

 I found myself beginning to panic thinking about how in 6 weeks I will not be his teacher anymore and started thinking that I should somehow be “preparing” him for the real world scenario of what his next teacher will be like. Since here in Korea they don’t recognize special needs, especially not Autism, no teacher will ever look at his behavior and see a child in need of help….in need of interventions….in need of support. They will look at him and see a naughty child who is just rebellious and does not want to do his work. This sweet boy will be crucified for his differences that will be perceived as bad behavior. How do I know? Because that is what all the Korean teachers say about him, and warned me when I first started in that classroom. But I knew different. I saw his needs instead of a naughty child.

So I panicked trying to think of some way to prepare him for his life after graduating from my classroom. I began to get so worried and worked up I even found myself thinking “you have to ‘fix’ these behaviors.” As a professional who has worked with children with special needs for so many years, I am almost ashamed this thought even crossed my mind, because I know autism is not something to be ‘fixed.’ It is something that deserves interventions and strategies to implement to help that child become successful. But in a country where that will never happen, where would your mind go? Knowing what his fate will be is what made that panicked thought run across my brain.

You see, his future will be full of time out chairs, extra homework, and lectures. This will all be happening to a child who will not understand why he cannot change his behavior. He will not understand why the way that he is behaving, which is natural for him, is such a problem. He will never understand what is going on with his body or have any idea why he is different from his friends. He will never have anyone give him a little slack or encouragement because of his behavior; it will be the complete opposite. With me feeling like I may the only person here in Korea that understands him, I feel an immense amount of pressure to somehow help him get ready for his future.

 

 But just like I can’t save a child from a fate of foster care, I can’t save a child from a life of scrutiny due to his special needs from a culture that is too ignorant to recognize them. Another inconsolable injustice for a child I love like my own.

 

 

I walked home from work today tears falling from my eyes, being unable to feel them due to the cold weather, still unsure of what to do for this boy. I guess I am a little bit of a hopeless soul myself as I choose these heartbreak cases to latch onto, and cannot let go. I just can’t turn a blind eye to the injustices, and that means going against the system; which often means losing. I will always hold their injustices in my heart and let it fuel me for whatever fight I AM ABLE TO WIN in the future. Theirs, I could not.

 

Round peg, square hole

A ‘click’ or ‘gang’, basically any group of people that always hang together, is something I have never quite grown accustom too. In high school I could not stomach continuous separation of clicks and the way they mimicked and mocked one another trying to prove their status in the complicated teenage years. I was friends with everyone, and it got me into quite a few sticky situations. I would be friends with the skater or rebellious types that would wear backwards hats and air Jordan’s to school and then the popular group that would come to school head to toe in Abercrombie and Fitch. Then there was me, in my Hollister skirt, shirt from Target, and shoes that looked like air force one’s. Now, I clearly did not fit into any mold and was not willing to change for any ‘click’ that would demand it.  I hated how the individuals in these groups never had any accountability or responsibility for their actions. Afterall, everyone agreed on the 'right' things to do together. I would listen to one group talk badly about the other, day in and day out, and I would be in neutral awkward positions not understanding why everyone couldn’t get along? Now, this may be naive, but I still feel that way today. I mean we can at least be cordial and respectful of one another. Why must we be so judgmental and so harsh and try to force everyone to be exactly like us?

My determination of who became my friend was purely based on right and wrong. I could not be friends with a mean girl or any boy who enjoyed putting someone else down. I would always be the girl chiming in to stand up for the underdog getting annihilated by some jerk, both in high school and in college. I’ve even had friends get mad at me for stepping in to help someone in need when that person was in trouble, because our ‘group’ had some place to be. Well, you better believe I told the ‘group’ to keep it moving while I helped whoever it was that was in trouble. Shouldn’t we all learn how to humble ourselves to another person’s position?  I stand up for people who I know deserve it or need it, friend or stranger, and I determine my actions on the moral code I know for right and wrong. This is still how I determine my friends today; people who live their lives with this same sense of love and care for others.

Now, my actions are wrong quite often, but I pray about my choices daily hoping to become better at making the right ones. One thing I will never do though is bend to a group mentality, to a clicks way of thinking, to a choice someone else wants me to make. At the end of the day I answer to God alone, and my actions will be judged by him when I die, so everyone else’s opinion means slim to none in the long run. I want to be who He calls me to be. Most of the time that includes fighting for the little guy, going against the grain, and sometimes standing alone in my decisions; but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Do not conform to the ways of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

Whats your favorite animal?

Ever since I was a child my favorite animal was a monkey. My bed would be lined with rows of monkey stuffed animals and my walls would have posters plastered all over them with monkeys also. They just seemed so cute and cuddly and gentle. I thought it would be the coolest thing in the world to have a pet monkey of my own! Of course as I got older I eventually gave my monkey stuffed animals away and those posters were changed to N'sync posters and then eventually just plain white walls, but up until this year monkeys
still held the title of my favorite animal.

My trip to Malaysia and Indonesia was the game changer. We went to a place called the Batu Caves in Kuala Lumpur which was a huge cave inside of a mountain. There was a gorgeous gold statue in the front that was almost as big as the mountain, so immediately I was in awe of this destination! When the van parked we hoped out of the car and saw monkeys running around everywhere. They were jumping onto cars, on and off of buildings, and scurrying across telephone lines. It was so bizarre! I began to walk up to one to take a picture when our tour guide informed us that some of the monkeys were very aggressive, so please be careful. From that moment on, nothing was the same. We got into the caves and saw monkeys all around us and I was absolutely terrified. Who would have ever thought that the gentle, sweet monkeys I dreamed about in my childhood, were actually being called aggressive? All I could think about was one of them jumping onto me, biting me, and giving me rabies and me dying. Honestly, that was my train of thought. Just to take this picture, I was so nervous:

The highlight of my moneky filled horror was when we saw a Mama monkey with babies. I figured she may be protective, but she was probably nicer than the rest of the monkeys, so I just kept my eyes on her to try to not be so scared. As I grabbed hands with my friend and ran out of the cave, heart pounding and sweating all over, I realized my childhood fantasties about monkeys were just that; fantasties. A part of me was so sad that day as I realized my favorite animal had a dark side, but soon all sadness would turn to amazement as we got to Indonesia a few days later.

Something we knew we had to do while on our trip in Bali was to ride an elephant. So many people rant and rave about the experience so we ventured to the Bali Elephant Camp in Ubud one day. As we waited for our turn I watched these enormous animals walk around the camp with such grace and beauty. There is something so breathtaking about something so strong and yet so gentle. When our turn came to ride the elephants they asked us to stand up on a platform and the elephant would walk up to us and we would hop onto the seat on its back which would be level with us. We watched a few other people do it first and admired the elephants as they got closer. One couple was not on the platform so as the elephant walked up to the platform he had to wait there for a minute before his passengers arrived. I don't know what came over me, maybe I had more courage after my terrifying monkey experience, but I just bent down and reached my hand out as if to say hello. The elephant immediately moved its trunk towards my hand like it wanted to touch my hand. It then rested its trunk on the platform and I just looked into its eyes at this kind and gentle beast.

 

 

Our elephant came and it was just as sweet and fun as the friend I had just made on the platform. Her name was Jessica and she had a great personality that we got to see throughout our 30 minute ride. She was smart, she was beautiful, and she was even a little sassy. But the best part about all the elephants we encountered was that there was just so much promise and hope in their eyes. Not a mean streak, or bit of anger that would come out of them. They embodied every characteristic that I envision my favorite animal to have. I now love these large, gentle, kind animals and can't wait until I get to see another one!

Wobble, Bow, What up?

While sitting in a restaurant in India in 2011, I had my head in a menu and mumbled off something I thought I would like to order to a waiter. Imagine my surprise when I looked up from my menu and saw him wiggling his head from side to side. Not up and down in  a 'yes' movement, side to side, as if he was trying to touch his ears to his shoulders. After each person I was with ordered he would make this gesture for 'yes' and I just began grinning. It looked like so much fun, this little wobble of the head that he was doing, and I just thought it was so much cooler than nodding the way I was usually do. Someone mentioned he looked a little like a bobble head, which was very true, but that made this all the more appealing in my eyes. So of course I tried to mimic his movements over the next 9 days of my visit in his country. I ended up looking more like an idiot than someone trying to fit in with the customs of India, but I had such a fun time participating!

As I woke up from a sleepy long flight to Korea this past August, gathered my belongings, and exited the plane the flight attendants bowed to me and said Thank you in Korean. At first I didn't think much of it as I was half asleep, but then when I got to baggage claim someone else bowed in my direction. When I met my recruiter as I exited the airport in Seoul, he did the same, and so on and so forth. At first I felt very uncomfortable not knowing if I was supposed to bow back to him or what the protocol exactly was. But as I have lived here now for almost 5 months I have grown to truly love this tradition. It is such a respectful way to greet someone, regardless of if you know them or not, it's better than just a simple wave. It just seems like what people deserve. Koreans, as well as many other Asians, are giving others a moment of their time to acknowledge the importance of the other persons existence.

Driving down a popular street in my hometown I look out my window and see a group of people chatting with one another. A friend comes walking up to the group and the infamous head nod, up and down, begins. The footnote of this gesture is 'What up?'. It's so typical Americans to be so relaxed and informal in their greetings. Sure there are the huggers, and wavers, the people who will dap you up (younger generation term) but no where else in the world do you see the 'What up' head nod! So just like the wobble of the head is unique to India, and bowing is a well known Asian custom, the head nod is our gesture in the States. I do it all the time, whether someone is far from me or close by, I give them the 'What up' nod and a big smile! Sometimes it's nice to have an informal greeting to just say 'hey'.  And I will admit, getting a nod back from American teachers here in Korea is quite a nice taste of home.

Diverse Kuala Lumpur

Many people have been wondering how my trip to Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur went. Well, we had such a great time and did so many things it would be hard to recapture it all and do this city justice. So here are a few highlights of my 3 days stay in this city.

Everywhere you turned there was something new and different than wherever you just were. We saw so many people of different cultures, religions, with different dress, and who spoke different languages. This diversity at every corner almost made us fit in since we were different.

 

One marvelous place we visited was KL's Chinatown. There was something so electric, busy, and exciting about this area. There were street vendures selling foods and fruits that I had never seen before, and people calling out to us to check out things they were selling.




There were people laughing, whistling, and walking barefoot up and down the streets, and the place looked like a huge maze! At times it was overwhelming because of the chaos of it all, but mostly it was just fun and exhilarating!

At the end of Chinatown we found a hidden gem which we had heard so much about! It was a food stand where a man sold the best burgers in KL. They were called the 'Ramly Burger". We found him and were immediately impressed by the huge line and the demand for his product, and knew it must be worth the wait. So we placed our order and watched in amazement as he worked. He would make chicken, fish or beef burgers and would crack and egg onto the grill and wrap the cooked meat in the egg. Then he would toast the buns, add lettuce, onion and tomato and then add 3 special sauces. We had no idea what the sauces were but THEY WERE DELICIOUS. Two were red sauces, we think one of them being spicy and one being sweet, and then one white sauce similar to mayonnaise. The one thing you learn in Asian countries, don't ask what's in it.....just take a bite. So we did, and we LOVED IT!

 

Another fantastic part of my time in KL was our sight seeing day. Some of my favorite places included the Muslim Mosque and the Chinese Temple. I think these two were my favorite because we visited them back to back and they were such polar opposites of one another. The Muslim Mosque was a gorgeous Mosque that was all white and gold. When we entered we needed to take off our shoes and put on their traditional attire which they deemed acceptable to enter. For women this included a robe to cover up our bodies and a head scarf to cover our hair. Now, there were many people at the mosque who did not enjoy this 'costume change' but I found it so fascinating and exciting because it gave me a more inclusive feel of what it would be like if I wanted to visit places like this regularly or if I was part of this religion. I just felt like such a part of the Mosque being able to walk on the ground barefoot and feel the cool marble under my feet on such a hot day. I made sure I took a moment to take in the absolute breathtaking beauty of the gold and black columns against the white floors and ceilings. Not once did I care if this head scarf was going to mess up my hair or if my feet were getting dirty. It just felt so authentic, such a place of beauty and respect.

 

 

We then ventured off to the Chinese Temple called the Thean hou Temple. To be honest I was not very excited about this place because I have been to at least a handful of temples already in Asia and quite of few of them were Chinese, so I didn't see how this was could be very different. Boy, was I wrong! This place was absolutely HUGE and you could barely get it all in a picture. We were told about how it was used as a place of community for people in need of shelter and it reminded me of a movie I once saw about Mother Theresa. In that movie she talked about how places of worship should coincide with places of shelter and be available for people in need of a home, because after all, don't religion and grace not go hand in hand? It is something that has always stuck out in my mind, and hearing this similar history of this Chinese temple made me view it in such a loving manner. When we walked in we even saw a couple getting married there! It is still to this day being used to bring love and community to the people of KL and I got to witness it first hand.



There was also so much beauty incorporated in this temple. Between the rainbow colored dragons painted on the temple walls, the gold intricate shrine, to even the small lit candles burning, there was beauty and thought put into every crevice of the building. It gave me a feeling of awe, of joy, and mostly hope that got stronger the longer I walked around the place.

courtyard inside top level of Temple

Kuala Lumpur had so many amazing and diverse aspects to it! It is a city full of surprises and exciting opportunities around every corner. Whether this means to chow down on a Ramly Burger (with mystery ingredients) or dress up in traditional attire and enter a Muslim Mosque, you will always gain a new experience here. I have too many to fill my photo album now!

7 year old bliss

To be 7 again would be such bliss. It would mean believing in make believe again, and never second guessing that things would be OK. It would mean no responsibility just relying on Mommy and Daddy to take care of things. Learning how to read, do math, and grammar would be some of my hardest tasks instead of solving larger than life problems. I would go home and study hard for a spelling test instead of getting upset at the worlds injustices. The biggest fights I would have with friends would be over not returning my eraser.

Oh to be 7 again would mean I could shove my face with any food I wanted and never think about a gym. When someone spoke to me about a muffin top I would think of simply that, a muffin top, instead of the fat on my waist that doubled over the holidays. I would get excited about loosing teeth, and Santa coming, and not care when I spilled food all over my shirt. (Let alone stress about a stain) I would never worry about having food in my teeth or picking a wedgie in public as all my 7 year old friends would be doing it too. I would run everywhere feeling free as a bird, because walking would be something only a teacher made me do.

Oh to be 7 years old and like a boy. To have a crush would mean I could doodle a boys name on my spelling notebook or draw ninjas for him during playtime. I could give him the answers when he gets confused instead of worrying about if he has enough of an intellectual side for us to have a future together. I would frequently tell him we are best friends instead of playing hard to get. I could laugh and giggle with girlfriends, follow him around, and never once worry about if he had another girl on the sidelines.

Oh to be 7 years old and free of so many adult worries. How I crave to not have a care in the world and to have every problem fixed by a hug or a kiss. Oh to be 7, to have childlike innocence, to have the perspective of the world that my Kinders have.....how much easier life would be!

Broken hearts, pass the tissues

Today was a day of tears. I realized just how fragile my sweet Kinder babies were when we had some of our worst crying episodes to date. You see it all started with our graduation play.....

We are doing the Golden Goose story as our play and the children have been practicing the lines so that they can memorize the plot. I was told that instead of just designating character roles for my 11 children, they had to audition for them. I was somewhat horrified thinking about innocent little 7 year olds being put under so much pressure to perform, and then not getting the part they has desired. I was told this is to please the parents as they want their child to be a clear winner, and have come to notice that putting pressure on your child to do well is completely socially acceptable here. Yelling at your child for not getting 100% on a test or wanting them to audition in front of their class to only have their hopes and dreams shot down, is totally OK. Don't even get me started on the probability of hitting that may be going on behind closed doors due to imperfect schoolwork. Basically these kids are put through the ringer and are told that 'winning is better', instead of 'just try your best.'

This is totally a foreign concept to me as my Mom would buy me ribbons that said "Good Job" when I would come in 7th place in a track meet. I was always told its about how hard you try, not the outcome in the end. If I tried my best, i would get praised and encouraged, but if so many of my Kinder students try their best and it is not 'good enough' or 'not the best in the class' then they get cold harsh words and punishment. But please let me just remind you, it's a cultural difference, this is what all their kids experience and they don't know any better. Only my big heart and psychology brain has an issue with it because I have grown accustom to the way I was brought up. I find a little sugar coating, protecting, and coddling is necessary.

Luckily most of my children chose different characters so we didn't have a problem, that is until we got to the "Princess" role. I was dreading our auditions today as I was told that the two girls fighting for the role would have to resight the ENTIRE play in front of the class, my manager, and myself and then the children and teachers voted on who did better and memorized more lines. At first I thought I heard incorrectly....THE ENTIRE PLAY, that was like 60 lines, how could a 7 year old do that? Well sure enough the first little girl got up there and knew the whole thing. She had clearly studied all winter break and was determined to be princess. The second girl completely froze. She got the first 15 or so lines out and then she kept fidgeting and looking down because she had totally lost her nerve. This child usually has an excellent memory so I knew it was her nerves and the pressure of the situation causing her to be tongue tied.

My manager spoke to her in Korean and told her she would be getting a different role of playing 'Daughter 1' and the first child won the princess role. Before the kids even began to chime in or try to vote (even though there was a clear winner) I sent them out to the bathroom and told them to line up in the hall. I looked at the little girl who now had to be Daughter 1 and the tears started to fill her eyes. I knew a total and complete melt down was about to happen, and I kept thinking 'how can I protect her, how can I make this better for her?' My only thought was to not let the other children watch her cry her eyes out. So as the tears began to stream down her cheeks I barked orders to the other children who kept protesting they did not need to go to the bathroom, telling them they better stand in the hallway or they lose all their stars! I went into a panic mode knowing how mean children could be, and had to keep her from any more humiliation or pain. I stretched my arms out and she fell into them sobbing and leaning her head on my shoulder. She was a complete dead weight, crying from the pit of her stomach, because the princess role would not be hers. I said whatever comforting things could come to mind, such as 'You did so great, I am so proud of you, I know you will do so wonderful as Daughter 1.' The tears kept coming and it was just the saddest thing. My manager spoke to her in Korean, she eventually wiped her tears, and then I went to get the other children out of the hallway. Somehow, someway, the day went on.

Before the dust had settled on our first break down, an encore began. There is another little girl in my class who has a big crush on a boy in my class. Well, they got into a fight right before we were supposed to practice our Golden Goose play songs. She had done something mean to him so was already in trouble from me, but then the little boy said he would not accept her apology. She had to sit in time out because of her actions and we soon began singing the song "Lean on me" which will be our finale song for our play. Tears began streaming down her face everytime she looked at the boy, as she was so upset he was still angry with her. She could have cared less about being in time out, she wanted their friendship to be ok, and it was killing her that it was not. I soon couldn't take it anymore so I told her she was done with time out and she could sit with me while we sang and practiced our song. She melted into my arms, crying hard as can be, probably getting snot all over my sweater. I patted her on the back, tried to calm her down telling her that i'm sure he was not mad anymore.....but there was no luck. So I decided, keep singing the song and maybe she will join in and the tears will end.

So I sat there, a sweet little Korean child folded into my body, making sobbing noises in my left ear and the lyrics of Lean on Me in my right ear. I couldn't help but smile at how much my sweet kids had to lean on me today, and how much I will always be there for these kids to lean on. Afterall, brokenhearts are brokenhearts at any age, and sometimes you have to just lean on someone to get through it. Today I was just that.

 

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Asia intruding my heart

Since being in Korea I have now traveled to three countries. I have been to Japan, Malaysia and Indonesia. It’s amazing the differences that each culture and country has to offer, and the amazing opportunities there are to learn at every corner. I would walk the streets of all of these countries and simply marvel at the beauty and distinctiveness that set each city apart from the next. There is so much to talk about when it comes to reflecting on all of these trips, so here are just a few things I know I will never forget about my journeys around Asia.

Japan had some of the friendliest people I have ever met. They definitely have similar characteristics of some good ol’ southern folk I know from home, but in Japan it was different. There was such a high level of respect for others, respect for their environment, respect for people’s struggle and desire for success, and a welcoming attitude towards all who chose to enter their homeland. In Osaka we continuously had strangers doing the smallest of deeds for us to help us get around or guide us on our vacation, but these small deeds added up very quickly. The friend who we stayed with was so hospitable, and even her mother who I had never met before went to great lengths to take care of me on a day that I was sick. It was so kind and selfless that it made me miss my own mother. The hospitality, the warmth, and the respect that Japan gave me will always be in my heart.

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia was such a cool city. That is the first word that comes to mind, because at every corner there was just something that made your mouth fall open and made you say “Ahhh, look at that, that’s so cool!” Of course there were beautiful landmarks such as the National Mosque or Palace, but there was something about the rhythm of this city. It seemed to beat for young people, people seeking adventure, people ready to have a good time, and they were everywhere. There was such a melting pot of cultures, nationalities, and religions that you were kept guessing what you would find at every turn. You could walk down one street and see a Hindu Indian Temple, a Chinese Temple, a reggae bar and restaurant, and a cross lit up high in the sky from a nearby Christian church. One night I just walked outside our hostel and listened to the city. I heard horns blaring, interesting unfamiliar music playing, and different languages being spoken by all the people that walked by. I saw a woman in a burqa, another in her traditional Indian sari, some Australians in regular old shorts and t-shirt, and men walking around with no shoes on. It was a constant blend; a city that accepted everything and everyone. That cool vibe of an upbeat city that was full of surprises will be my memory.

Bali, Indonesia will easily be remembered for its unmistakable, incomprehensible beauty. The green palm trees that we would see, some with an orange trunk, some with hanging bananas or coconuts were all around us. Exotic flowers and plants with colors so vibrant poked out of every crack and crevice of the city of Ubud. We would walk down the streets and marvel at the gorgeous bright colors all around us that truly took your breath away. This was my first time ever seeing a country that was considered to have a jungle or tropical rain forest, so my reaction was utter amazement. I did not know seeing so much lush greenery around me could make me feel so good. It’s hard to even put this kind of beauty into words because it’s something you can’t imagine. This kind of true indescribable beauty will always be my first memory of Indonesia.

These countries have all offered me such a different experience, but they all had one thing in common. The time I spent there left me feeling encouraged, rewarded, and alive! I left so happy and hopeful, and they will always have a place in my heart for this reason.

My unnatural Resolution

New Years Resolutions are often about our physical selves. “I will lose 10 pounds this year, I will travel more places this year, I will run a marathon this year, I will learn to cook this year” etc. With my being abroad, soaking in Korean culture, trying out a new job, meeting lots of new people, and traveling the world every chance I get, I figured I didn’t really need any more physical goals. I decided to turn inwards.

My new years resolution is to become more open.

Anyone who knows me from back home will think this is maybe an odd resolution to have. For example, at my job I had in NC I was an open book. My coworkers knew what was going on with my family, friends, who I was dating, even what I had for lunch that day. I have always associated myself as wearing my heart of my sleeve and not really being mindful of keeping things to myself, and I liked it that way. But something has happened to me in the past 6 months…..I have become….private. I am not sure if it is because of events that have happened in my life or my being abroad, but people here in Korea know me as a ‘private person.’

It’s so weird, but I DO find myself watching what I tell people, keeping my conversations very surface level and to a minimum and not confiding in others if anything should be wrong. It’s a very unnatural attribute that now characterizes me, and I am not sure how to navigate this kind of lifestyle. I want so much to just pour out my heart and soul to the people I meet and tell them every emotion I am feeling and every thought I am thinking (like I used to), but I guess there is more risk involved now and I’m scared of things not going the way I want. You see, my history over the past few years isn’t exactly a cup of tea and isn’t exactly upbeat, so I never quite can find the time to tell someone I just met about the pain and heartache that it entailed. Also, there is always the question that IF I choose to empty that pandora’s box, how will they respond? If they do NOT respond in a way that is supportive, I kind of lose it. I kind of fall apart. This is because of the difficult emotions that are riled up inside of me by telling my story. So that brings us back to the beginning…..why talk about my history at all?

This kind of mindset has left me labeled as ‘private’ and has built a wall about the size of China’s that is around me at all times. Some people, without my recognizing it, have knocked down this wall and we have become very close here in Korea, and I love them for it, but I even find myself trying to put the bricks together at times when they are around. Nevertheless, I don’t like this whole ‘private’ business and I figure I am going to have to toughen up and just get used to my story being my story. I will have to open up eventually, and I’m not sure time will make it any easier, so I may as well just throw my overanalyzing rulebook out the window.

Here we go 2013, my ‘should be natural’ but is actually unnatural resolution starts now. Open up Ms.Nikki.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.