Inconsolable Injustices

There are some nights that the problem is just too big, it cuts too deep….you are purely inconsolable.

I have experienced this kind of night before in my previous job. There was a little boy with special needs who I loved like my own child and I worked really hard to help him move forward with the areas where he showed delays. More than that, I worked hard to get into the good graces of his terrible neglectful mother so that I could come over to their house and work with him weekly. I knew that my being there helped him to be safe, and consistency with his therapy sessions were crucial for his success in school. I eventually gained his mothers trust to the point she would allow me to bring him new clothes, or food for their family, and other things I knew he needed for his health which she was unable to provide. Well, I worked with him for about 2 years and did everything I could to motivate his mother to be a better mother. I pushed the little boy and he was truly growing and making strides in his development, and was not afraid to go toe to toe with his preschool to fight for him to get into a better school; my school where I worked. I wanted to keep an eye on him to ensure his progress and his safety, besides the fact that it was actually a better school to accommodate his needs. I was so invested in his future, his happiness, and his well-being. Sure throughout those two years there were numerous heart wrenching situations and difficult conversations, but this little boy was worth it.

 Well, I found out one day that there was a serious struggle with his family and he was officially being entered into the foster care system. Now, I was not exactly a fan of his mothers parenting skills, but hearing the words ‘foster care system’ set off so many bells in my head. I actually had to leave work because I knew I would break down in front of everyone and not be able to stop crying. Thinking of his bouncing around from home to home in his future, going through the pain of not being with his family any longer, and growing up with even more memories of a painful childhood was an injustice I could not swallow. Why him? Why did this have to happen? Who will fight for him now, and who will he become? I got home and sat down on my couch and just lost it. In that moment, there was nothing anyone could say, no encouraging words, nothing to make the situation somehow not seem tragic. It was a night where there were no words…..I was inconsolable.

Well I am revisiting that feeling of hopelessness tonight. I have spoken before about the child in my class that I am sure if in the USA would get an autism diagnosis. He has been gone for the past 2 weeks on a vacation and today was his first day back. Any child that is out of school for a long period of time has trouble readjusting, but with him this meant a day of meltdowns and harsh realizations for myself. Everything seemed to set him off; the noise in the classroom, the blackboard markers not being dark enough, not having enough time to write his sentences perfectly, etc. I had to continuously send him out into the hallway to get his work done as he was just shutting down in the classroom. He was covering his ears, stomping his feet, and refusing to work. But the quiet of the hallway was a perfect atmosphere for him and he would come back with his work complete. He was also behaving disruptively during lessons so I gave him this sensory ball which he rubbed in the palm of his hand while listening, which helped him to focus. My first thought, ‘He is struggling so much today, but I know what to do for him.” My second thought, “He graduates in 6 weeks, and no other teacher will give him these accommodations, he will just get in trouble for not doing his work. Getting a new classroom and teacher will surely make him have a hard time. It will be so rough for him.”

 I found myself beginning to panic thinking about how in 6 weeks I will not be his teacher anymore and started thinking that I should somehow be “preparing” him for the real world scenario of what his next teacher will be like. Since here in Korea they don’t recognize special needs, especially not Autism, no teacher will ever look at his behavior and see a child in need of help….in need of interventions….in need of support. They will look at him and see a naughty child who is just rebellious and does not want to do his work. This sweet boy will be crucified for his differences that will be perceived as bad behavior. How do I know? Because that is what all the Korean teachers say about him, and warned me when I first started in that classroom. But I knew different. I saw his needs instead of a naughty child.

So I panicked trying to think of some way to prepare him for his life after graduating from my classroom. I began to get so worried and worked up I even found myself thinking “you have to ‘fix’ these behaviors.” As a professional who has worked with children with special needs for so many years, I am almost ashamed this thought even crossed my mind, because I know autism is not something to be ‘fixed.’ It is something that deserves interventions and strategies to implement to help that child become successful. But in a country where that will never happen, where would your mind go? Knowing what his fate will be is what made that panicked thought run across my brain.

You see, his future will be full of time out chairs, extra homework, and lectures. This will all be happening to a child who will not understand why he cannot change his behavior. He will not understand why the way that he is behaving, which is natural for him, is such a problem. He will never understand what is going on with his body or have any idea why he is different from his friends. He will never have anyone give him a little slack or encouragement because of his behavior; it will be the complete opposite. With me feeling like I may the only person here in Korea that understands him, I feel an immense amount of pressure to somehow help him get ready for his future.

 

 But just like I can’t save a child from a fate of foster care, I can’t save a child from a life of scrutiny due to his special needs from a culture that is too ignorant to recognize them. Another inconsolable injustice for a child I love like my own.

 

 

I walked home from work today tears falling from my eyes, being unable to feel them due to the cold weather, still unsure of what to do for this boy. I guess I am a little bit of a hopeless soul myself as I choose these heartbreak cases to latch onto, and cannot let go. I just can’t turn a blind eye to the injustices, and that means going against the system; which often means losing. I will always hold their injustices in my heart and let it fuel me for whatever fight I AM ABLE TO WIN in the future. Theirs, I could not.