My unnatural Resolution

New Years Resolutions are often about our physical selves. “I will lose 10 pounds this year, I will travel more places this year, I will run a marathon this year, I will learn to cook this year” etc. With my being abroad, soaking in Korean culture, trying out a new job, meeting lots of new people, and traveling the world every chance I get, I figured I didn’t really need any more physical goals. I decided to turn inwards.

My new years resolution is to become more open.

Anyone who knows me from back home will think this is maybe an odd resolution to have. For example, at my job I had in NC I was an open book. My coworkers knew what was going on with my family, friends, who I was dating, even what I had for lunch that day. I have always associated myself as wearing my heart of my sleeve and not really being mindful of keeping things to myself, and I liked it that way. But something has happened to me in the past 6 months…..I have become….private. I am not sure if it is because of events that have happened in my life or my being abroad, but people here in Korea know me as a ‘private person.’

It’s so weird, but I DO find myself watching what I tell people, keeping my conversations very surface level and to a minimum and not confiding in others if anything should be wrong. It’s a very unnatural attribute that now characterizes me, and I am not sure how to navigate this kind of lifestyle. I want so much to just pour out my heart and soul to the people I meet and tell them every emotion I am feeling and every thought I am thinking (like I used to), but I guess there is more risk involved now and I’m scared of things not going the way I want. You see, my history over the past few years isn’t exactly a cup of tea and isn’t exactly upbeat, so I never quite can find the time to tell someone I just met about the pain and heartache that it entailed. Also, there is always the question that IF I choose to empty that pandora’s box, how will they respond? If they do NOT respond in a way that is supportive, I kind of lose it. I kind of fall apart. This is because of the difficult emotions that are riled up inside of me by telling my story. So that brings us back to the beginning…..why talk about my history at all?

This kind of mindset has left me labeled as ‘private’ and has built a wall about the size of China’s that is around me at all times. Some people, without my recognizing it, have knocked down this wall and we have become very close here in Korea, and I love them for it, but I even find myself trying to put the bricks together at times when they are around. Nevertheless, I don’t like this whole ‘private’ business and I figure I am going to have to toughen up and just get used to my story being my story. I will have to open up eventually, and I’m not sure time will make it any easier, so I may as well just throw my overanalyzing rulebook out the window.

Here we go 2013, my ‘should be natural’ but is actually unnatural resolution starts now. Open up Ms.Nikki.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.