Friday, March 1, 2013

Changing & Growing; 6 months in

I knew that coming to Korea would cause a deep kind of change in me. I actually came here with a desire to get away from the pain I felt from continuous loss that was happening in NC. You see I have lost quite a few people I love over the past few years, some to death some to difficult circumstances, either way a loss is a loss. Even on the day I moved to Korea, my childhood lab was put down. Hence a need to escape, get away, and start a new.  I came here to have a clean slate and find HOPE in the world again because after so much loss you find yourself in a somewhat hopeless state of mind.

I thought that God bringing me to Korea meant that my life was going to be easier. Difficult in a more challenging kind of way, sure, but I would be doing so much exciting and fantastic things like TRAVELING THE WORLD! I never thought that I would come across so much poverty, injustice, and have my eyes opened to severe issues that other parts of the world are facing. I honestly thought it would be a smooth ride, doing a little teaching here and a lot of traveling there, and healing in between.

Well, the healing from my past losses and difficult times in NC is defiantly happening. But it is not in the way that I had imagined. It seems that God wants me to grow thick skin while I am abroad, and get pretty tough for whatever reason, which is apparent through the circumstances He is putting me in. For example, anyone who knows me knows I am an intense advocate for children and individuals with special needs. Well, God brought me to a country where people with special needs are disgraced and discarded. The Korean culture offers minimal support for people with special needs mostly out of ignorance. Even more well known diagnoses such as ADHD are not acknowledged here, let alone children with Autism. These kids are considered 'bad children' who just act out and behave badly, instead of kid's with special needs. They lead a life of others continuously infringing upon their rights with their needs unfulfilled. They will be misunderstood and undervalued because of their genetics.

I have seen ONE person with Down Syndrome while I am here. Why? I have been told it is because if your child is born with a disability that the family will hide them in their homes and never take them out. I see very few people in wheelchairs, even adults, and I know there are people who use them here in Seoul! But where are they? They are dishonored and humiliated because of their special needs and do not converse with the rest of the Korean population because of it. Many beggars are blind or have some physical disability, and it makes me wonder if they are denied work because of their needs? I'm sure in time Korea will catch up with the the States in regards to giving people with special needs the support they deserve, or that's what I tell myself. And I'm not asking for perfection, but a little acknowledgment is not too much to ask! Appreciation, encouragement? That's where it should begin; acceptance. But while I'm here it will not happen. So I am constantly faced with an insane injustice that bothers me to my core. It is not something I can ignore anyway but even more so because God put a child with Autism in my Kinder class! It's as if He was saying, "Your not in NC anymore. Take a big whiff of what the world can be like.....what are you gonna do about it?"

I also knew immediately when I got here I wanted to volunteer at an orphanage. Anyone who knows me also knows that orphans also hold a very near and dear place in my heart. Well, at first I was denied the chance to be a part of the orphanage team because I would only be here for one year and it was a one year commitment. I had not contacted them right away so I would only be able to commit 9 months of visits to the orphanage. Well, after being firmly ticked off by the whole special needs ignorance in my current country, I knew I needed to speak up for this opportunity as helping orphans is not a choice, its a calling. After a very candid email, I joined the team. But going to see orphans is very painful for me. After every visit I have had I have sat down and cried at the injustice of these children not having a family to go home to at night. I hate that I can't do more for them, and I hate there even has to be places called 'orphanages.' Once again I heard God's voice, "How does this make you feel? What can you do for them?"

I will never forget on an outing I had with the orphanage team when I was walking with my favorite little boy. I was walking into the subway which is a place where many beggars frequent. Me and this sweet little orphan, who wasn't more than 8 years old, walked hand and hand down to the subway and saw the woman begging on the steps. He pointed to her and said something in Korean, and I reached for the place in my purse where I usually keep spare change but couldn't find any. I felt alarmed and overwhelmed by all the problems around me at that moment. And I thought, "Nicolette, one problem at a time." I continued to head for the subway, hand in hand with the sweet little boy disturbed and disheartened at the pain this city was in.

I came home that night and I cried.....hard. God has burdened me with a heart that truly feels the pain of others, as I can not walk past the woman begging and simply forget about her as most do. The pain I feel for others sometimes is truly devastating to me. I feel as though I am being crushed under the weight of the world and do not know how to stop it from happening. I know God wants us to weep for our brothers, and does not want us to be content with the state the world is in. But he also wants strength from his children and I am working hard to find that balance. What breaks God's heart truly breaks mine as well. Lying, stealing, cheating, abandonment, selfishness, addiction, catastrophe, pain, ignorance.....when will it all stop? Only God knows where the story ends, and it is up to us to choose how we live our lives in the meantime.

In North Carolina, I saw pain and sadness in others lives, but the sadness in my own life far outweighed it, so I never got too caught up in it. I've never felt the assortment of emotions for the worlds problems that I have felt in Korea. I have wept for more people in Seoul and people in the world over these past 6 months than I ever have in my whole life. So the easy breezy year abroad of traveling has not exactly been what has transpired. But please don't be fooled, this is not a sad recollection of my time here.

Because of this state of tragedy that I have seen the world is in, the country I live in, and my city of Seoul I have grown incredibly strong and prepared for fighting the good fight. NOW, I have more courage, more hope, and the audacity to stand in the face of injustice and say THAT'S NOT OK. I have done it already while being here, without hesitation, without even blinking; and I will continue to do it for any cause that God lays at my feet.

I am growing in my faith everyday here. I understand now, more than ever, that I can not be everyone's Savior. I want to save the world and take every orphan home with me, but that is not a possibility. I need to become better at praying for the worlds tragic situations and finding comfort that they are in God's hands. A lesson that is daily a conflict inside of me but will be an invaluable lesson to have mastered during my year abroad.

When I have looked at the women around me in the States in the past, and the horror they see in their jobs working as Doctors, social workers, or psychologists I have always wondered if I could cut it. I have wondered if my fragile BIG heart could deal with that kind of emotional pain that comes with a job where you see so much sadness, death, and loss. I wondered if I would be prepared for the kind of heartbreak I would see with working with kids who are medically fragile. This is my future after all.

Judging by the past 6 months in Korea and all the lessons I have learned here, I think I am well on my way to being prepared. Maybe God is putting me through the ringer, making me angry, saddened, and exhausted by the devastation I am seeing here so that I will know how to deal with the devastation that comes with families fighting for their child's life and sometimes losing.

Whatever is going on inside of me, I'm growing and changing for the better. Like I said, this is not a sad recollection, because learning how to fight the good fight with indestructible determination in your heart is triumphant in my book.

3 comments:

  1. What a leader you will be for DTM
    I love you

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Amen, Mama G couldn't say it any better myself!

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