Strength in Numbers

I have been watching this show 'Mental' lately and I really like it. It's all about physciatry and different psyciatric disorders. It sheds light on nonfictional diagnoses through fictional plots in an entertaining way. With my background in psych I really find it fascinating and intriguing. Pain and trauma is often what cause people to have a change in mental state. Of course genetics play a factor in disorders like bipolar, but trauma is a key component from anything from personality disorders to psychotic breaks.

This got me thinking about how this TV show applied to day to day lives. It's rare for people to consider the trauma in their fellow coworkers, friends, or a strangers past on an everyday basis. Or let alone think that maybe someone's mood swings or frustration actually goes much deeper than a heavy workload, but because they are dealing with a severe emotional trauma inside their mind at that moment.

I considered this today as I walked through my day with many of my coworkers unaware of the battle going on inside my own mind due to my own past. As I have shared, the anniversary of my grandfathers death was this week and it has weighed on my mind heavily. I have also been revisiting other losses that this loss makes me think of, and then dealing with my own trust issues due to the immense amount of pain I have endured over the past few years. As many seem to experience, once one root of pain is brought to the surface many others rise along with it. These kinds of serious and heavy thoughts makes me impatient, quiet, irritable and much more. I mostly have kept to myself, but many do not know why or have not wondered at all. I looked around the office and saw others laughing and making casual conversation as if it was just another day, but to me it was not. I wondered what was actually going through their minds.....were they hiding their own battles due to their past struggles, trauma, or pain?

The pure happiness of everyone's day really made me feel alone in my struggle. Do any of them know what grief really feels like? Could any of them even relate to the pain I have gone through, or the passion that is now in my heart? Do I want to even bother sharing my feelings with them or just keep quiet and wait until this storm passes?

You see, I may have people to turn to about most topics but there are some things I just can't get into. This is often because of differences in opinion, differences in life experiences, lack of understanding, or backgrounds. So then what? Of course I've got prayer.....but I will just say it.....you just want to have someone look you in the eyes and say they get it. Your not a total loner in your situation and your grief, they get it.

But for some that won't happen. What if your particular situation is so unqiue that no one can understand your needs? I know quite a few people who's unique cocktail of trauma that has happened in their life is so incomparable to others that they will most likely always feel somewhat alone in their battles they are fighting to make it through the next day. Because most of the time they feel like they are fighting against the sorrow with no army behind them. There are no troops to call in if they feel like they are losing. These people are some of the strongest and most admirable people I know, and I honestly don't know how they fight so hard and so well by themselves.

I understand why psychiatrists push for support groups for people who are going through trauma. There is such a strength in numbers....in knowing you are not alone. This helps so many alcoholics from relapsing, so many people to kick bad habits, find forgiveness, and start their lives over. I guess my worry is that there is not as much power in fighting your battles alone.....because at the moment my numbers are down. I know God is pushing me forward like so many of the other solo soldiers at war, but I worry that my own fading strength will one day give out and there will be no other soldiers there to carry me to safety.

In the mean time, I guess I will just keep working on the 'strength' part and hope God will soon fill in the 'numbers' part...... oh and keep watching my new favorite show 'Mental'.