Je t'aime Pepe

Running on a treadmill doesn't help, wine doesn't help, your favorite foods, people, places.....waste of time. When old wounds are reopened it truly feels like someone is messing with your life support machine. You are literally gasping for air when you thought the bandage was holding just fine.

Tough anniversaries of when loved ones passed away is a serious old wound. It may have been bleeding for quite some time but you somehow put a plug in it. Your first aide kit somehow dealt with the problem and you are doing just fine. But not when this time of year rolls around. No matter how much you know your loved one is with Jesus, grief begins to rear its ugly head. It's like a dragon with 15 sets of arms that no matter how hard you try to not let it take hold of you, you are trapped......to deal with the uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable grasp it has on you.

My grandpa was one of the kindest men I had ever met and probably ever will meet. He was kind to everyone, even on his deathbed, saying his nice regards to nurses and such. When I was little he would let me jump on him and ride on his shoulders even though he was like 60 years old. He would chase after me and my sister on the playgrounds and slide down the slides with us. Through high school and college he was always supportive and loving to us. He would make us crepes and french moose or custard, and these amazing creme puffs that I could devour in seconds.Even when he was battling cancer, the numerous times that monster took a hold on him, he always cared how others were doing. Finally when the last cancer came, it was number 8, he could no longer ask how I was doing. He passed away.

When you have such a small family, losing a member of it is incomprehensible. You never get used to someone not being there when you visit, when you only have one house to visit and 6 people on the guest list, after all. I can still hear him yell out in his french accent, "I love you!", and it kills me that it's only in my memory now.

His passing had a lot to do with why I moved to Korea. And although he didn't know about my plan to come here before he died, I know he is watching me now. He would think the little girls bows and dresses in my Kinder class were so cute, and he would tell me he missed me all the time. Because he was so kind, such a good person, and so cute and sweet to everyone he met, it made me very angry that he had to battle cancer for so many years. When that cancer finally took him away from me, part of me died as well. I'm working really hard to get it back over here, but it takes time.

Although I'm sad and I miss him daily, I hope everyone will know that he was an amazing man of God, husband, father, and especially grandpa.

Every time I see an old man with the kind of hats he wore, hear Ava Maria, or see anything to do with a trumpet I think of him.....all the more right now as I recall the date on the calendar....Pepe, I hope you know, you are dearly missed.